A Letter to My Eating Disorder
A Letter to My Eating Disorder
A re-post of a previous post, in an attempt to try and raise awareness for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I was so lucky to have the support of my family and friends, but for a lot of people stigma prevents them reaching out for help. This week more than most, remember anyone could be fighting a battle you know nothing about.
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For a long time I have suffered with an eating disorder and it is only in the past year with the help of my close friends and Matt that I have really learnt how to overcome such an ugly disease obsessed with a distorted beauty. That life is more important than the number on the scales or the ability to fit my hands around my thighs. I won't lie, my perfectionism means I will always crave control and my personality will always mean I am acutely aware of what others may or may not think of me. But recently I have been helping a young woman stuck in the vicious cycle of anorexia I know all to well, and it inspired me to write this letter to my eating disorder, something I found equally emotional and therapeutic.
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It would be easy to shout and scream at you. And believe me I've done that. To tell you how you ruined my teenage years, made me feel like I was never good enough, never thin enough, never pretty enough to be liked by anyone. You made me hate myself, want to isolate myself from a world I didn't trust. Like a devil on my shoulder, a constant shadow following me wherever I went, judging me, punishing me, abusing me. I'd be horrified if I heard anyone saying the things you said to me, so why did I think I deserved it? Thanks to you I missed parties for blood tests, shopping trips with friends for ECGs and school for hospital. Thanks to you my parents were told there was a real possibility they could lose their daughter. Thanks to you my body began to shut down and on more than one occasion machines failed to pick up my blood pressure and doctors struggled to find a pulse.
But I do want to thank you.
For a long time you were the only one I could trust, the only one who was always there for me. My safety net and constant control when everything else was spiralling. But more importantly I want to thank you for making me the person I am today; strong, independent, driven. Nothing and no one can hurt me as much as you did. I am more grateful for life than probably most other 20 year olds and the appreciation I have for my family is immense. You've made me aware of the struggles so many people face and know to always be kind because you never know the battle someone is fighting behind closed doors. Thanks to you, I know I can overcome anything, because nothing will be as hard as the fight against you. And nothing will get in the way of me living my life to the fullest anymore.
So thankyou; my old friend and worst enemy.